These past few days has been a silent hell. I have pretty much gone into silent mode, I don’t want to communicate with anyone in any kind of way, but where I live it’s almost undoable, meaning I have no choice but to communicate, otherwise my life will be made more unliveable. So I semi ignored everyone in the house this week, I don’t know what they think of me by now and I don’t know that I care.
I didn’t want to speak, to do anything or to be, I didn’t want to exist. I couldn’t even find the courage to post, I suppose I had mono. spiritually, my flesh was dying or so I thought. it felt as if I was drowning outside of water, if that makes sense. To top everything, no one is making it any easier and that’s fine, it only means I am strong enough to do this on my own. it was so hard to act normal, to breath and to not scream. I was in an hypno state unable to wake myself, but with the devine urgency to wake.
Two days ago I took a smoke, which is always laying around the room, on the dresser, the desk, I picked it up and put in my mouth, I was weak, I felt deprived, but I couldn’t, I could not light it. I just wanted to feel it once more, a silent kiss for a silent death. I took it out of my mouth and through it back, it didn’t even feel like me, I walked away and forgot about it, forgot the feeling of it between my lips and the smell of it under my nose. The invisible feeling inside me.
It’s been two weeks, even though I smoke again, i’m proud of myself, I made it this far. But what i’m not proud of is my silent frustration today. It started today, I knew it was going to come eventually, but it was prevoked. I hate taking my frustrations out on my child, yes she does the wrong things and refuses to listen, still I don’t like it. Plus I am unable to control my rage sometimes, I try so hard but then it comes to a boiling point and then I scream at her, mostly I just raise my voice, but it’s still stressfull.
This thing is like an energy, it moves, I can feel it. It’s silent frustration and it’s only getting started. Happy weekend to me! I’ll use the weekend to switch off, if I can. if not i’ll just be silent, like my frustration, I will let you guys know how it went soon. Wish me luck.