Holding my breath

I tried to keep my cool and stay silent and frustrated, trying so hard not to take it out on anyone, not to snap. But i’m known for having too much patience and people, whether they know it or not, try to challenge my patience. I almost never give in, but there is always that day, that day when you seriously want to be left alone, that day when you can feel the edge approaching and you pray no one bugs you at that moment.

The weekend went fine, I remained calm, I breathed and I tried avoiding stressful situations, I couldn’t, but I handled it, not well but it’s handled. As the weekend came to an end so did my patience. I’m still not sure if I was unreasonable, but on Sunday I became a dragon. I also felt like one. the rage came shooting out of me as though a demon child was born. I couldn’t take it anymore, I was enraged. Mostly about supressed worries and problems, but it’s stuff I cannot run away from.

My daughter is growing up too fast, I know it’s normal, but I don’t like the way she is growing up. I yelled at her because she disrespected me by not listening to my warnings and in front of other children, who does not respect me in the first place, so they also undermined me and that was when I got enraged and flipped out. They were scared to come near me again and I was scared for what will happen when I become myself again. Smoking took away many things, including who I am, gradually. And now it’s replacing pieces of me gradually, it’s not easy it almost hurts.

So I shut down for the whole day, weird, I was left alone but I didn’t feel any better. what was extra weird was, I wanted to smoke so badly that morning, just to stop the rage, not because I was craving. I used smokes as a support system, I confided in it, relied on it, I started a whole relationship which ended in a marriage eventually.

Letting go of something that for so long had a strong hold on you is in explainable. How could I have let go of myself so easily, but now, taking myself back is so hard? Sometimes I feel like I don’t want myself back, but every other day I feel a piece come back, a piece of me I have  not seen or felt in a very long time and then it reminds me why I am doing this. I want to be the real me, the best me I can be, I just woke up and I cannot explain what happened to my life, but at least I have a chance now.

As my pieces comes back, I’m overjoyed, but they also come back and attach themselves on there terms and in their own time. So, luckily i’m a very patient person, I just hope it lasts and I hope that it’s a piece of me that never get detached.Placeholder Image

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