I have been silent for a while now, but I needed time, well I still do, everything was just falling apart and I’m still trying to handle it. again I almost relapsed, everything just came crashing down, down on my shoulders and goodness it was heavy, it still is, but I threw it off, do you know why? because half of the shit was not even mine. it’s still around me, I just choose to ignore it.
I don’t want to blame anything or anyone for my relapse, although it’s totally their fault, I want to or I should take responsibility for my own actions. I almost forgot that I’m a smoker, because technically I still am, I don’t want to jinx it and be like, ” Oh, I don’t smoke”, as if I have never smoked in my life. Anyway, sometimes when i’m so mad, which is ten times a day, I really want to smoke and when I am bored, but other than those times I don’t even care. But I always think about it, just shows how stubborn I really am.
I think I don’t make an effort to smoke because everyone smokes around me. The funny thing is, I can see their game plan, tempting me and trying to make me relapse, testing me. it’s quite disappointing, but it does not work, i’m too stubborn, but in reality I inhale second hand smoke and I think that keeps me going. I feel like i’m gaining pieces of myself, but when I wake up in the morning it still feels as though I smoked a whole pack, maybe i’m just healing. I hope so.
I am far away from the vision of smoking, it’s like it’s not even me. That’s because it is not, what I see in the mirror is a reflection of me, i’m not there yet, but I have an idee of who I am and what I should be. I can’t even remember when I was last comfortable looking in the mirror for more than ten seconds, I think it was ten years ago. So that is a piece of me I am certain is returning, what I also discovered looking in the mirror was that the colour of my eyes is returning, it’s getting lighter everyday, yay!
For now i’m gathering the pieces of me scattered on the floor and waiting for the others to return or to give me a sign that they are still lingering there. I still have a long way to go, so i’ll refrain from everything for two weeks. I will tell you all about it of course, and i’ll try to keep you updated. I want to reach into my inner self and scour for my last pieces, don’t worry i’ll be back, this journey is just beginning. I wont find every piece, but I have to try. See you guys at the end, here I go…