Holding my breath: Pieces of me

I relapsed last night! I know I know, I’m disappointed in myself as well. It felt so natural, it felt as if I never stopped. I am not going to blame anyone or anything, it was my choice, but I had a few beers, my first few in a long time and it made it so much harder, it’s just instinct to smoke while drinking. The weirdest part was everyone smoked, but when they found out that I quit they were extremely supportive, they encouraged me, kept the smokes far away from me, because by my third beer I couldn’t take it anymore.

By time it slipped my mind, but then came the tequila. I refused to partake in it (and believe me the way I feel right now is the reason I do not drink tequila) but I used it as my final bargain, I do one shot and I get a smoke, I did the shot, but didn’t get the smoke. I knew I was going to regret taking the shot, but stupid me went and took another one, two shots and still no smoke. But it was a trick because after that second shot I was so drunk and felt so sick that the thought of smoking revolted me.

I was a shell of myself or the old version of my old self. I still don’t know why I was there, but I can feel what I did there, I will never get along with tequila. I will sound absolutely crazy, but it was like something calling me, as if the smoke took shape and led me by the hand. I hadn’t finished my beer, but we left the bar and from that time to the car I felt completely secluded, as if I was in another dimension. We were all walking out, but I felt alone, and it’s there where the inception started.

Everything was calm, I was calm, but my head was going crazy. Something came over me I have no idea what, but I disappeared and my whole being was taken over. I had a foggy view from the inside and some control, control I didn’t use and also not wanted to use. Anyway, next thing a smoke was in my hand, but I had to get a light and no one wanted to help me out. Again I forgot about smoking, I even forgot about the smoke in my hand, but as things happen someone offered me light. My hand took it and I just stood there and watched, from the inside.

It felt like white hot branding iron turned to liquid and washed through my air pipes, it was horrible, I hated it, but I loved it, I loved hating it, but it also reminded me why I quit in the first place. something weird happened, the smoke went out like three times, but the third time I didn’t lit it and I don’t know what happened to it either, I just know what happened to me… I lost a piece of myself, again and i’ll have to work hard to get it back.

but last night was closure. I had to smoke again to say goodbye to smokes completely, I had to feel it’s kiss one last time and I now know that it’s not meant for me, it never was. I’m actually glad I did it, it’s not me anymore. I don’t see myself with it anymore, I think it’s over and i’m moving on. There is still a piece I have to replace, but I think i’m fine, i’ll be fine…Placeholder Image

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3 thoughts on “Holding my breath: Pieces of me

  1. There is an ad on tv here that has the tag line “never give up giving up”. It’s not a bad tag line for breaking a habit.

    I don’t know how many times I tried to give up before I eventually gave up (it wasn’t many) but I know when I finally did give up it was fairly easy. I think that was because I’d done it enough times for my brain to finally want it to happen and succeed.

    I remember one time I had given up for nearly three weeks then one morning about 3am on the way to my second delivery I feel asleep doing 120kph and drove the truck off the road. Lucky, or maybe unlucky for me the second stop was a 24 hour service station. I hated paying service station prices for smokes but I did it that night because I was scared to get back in the truck without smokes. I smoked for another 3 years before I gave up again.

    Just keep at it, if you really want it one day it will happen.

    Liked by 1 person

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