a lot has happened since my last post, so much that I cannot even remember what. Firstly, i’m a year older, i’m not so pumped about it, but i’ll live. secondly, I think i’m okay now, I think I’ve got it. I don’t need to smoke, I want to, but I don’t need to. I am tempted to smoke once everyday, instead of all day, for me that is a huge accomplishment.
And with me having my cravings under control and being strong willed and all, the spirit of smoke and the weakness of it, creeps his way into my dreams. When I didn’t give in to smoking in my waking life, I dreamt that I had given up and smoked. First I dreamt of smoking a lot, smoke after smoke, because I wouldn’t get satisfaction from one smoke ( My dream self did not realise it was a dream ) I was frustrated and I even woke up frustrated.
I kept having these dreams and every time the smokes kept getting less. The other day I dreamt the same thing again only this time, I was irritated, you see I remember my dreams very well, so I was so tired of smoking in this dream life and these smokes not doing anything for me, I was so angry I threw the smoke away, there was no point in smoking a smoke that is not even real, so I gave up my dream life smoking also.
I realized, this is serious. My waking life and dream life are now synced, they are in tuned with each other and whoever I am or am becoming, is none other than my true self. I wasn’t dreading my birthday last week because I was turning 27 and getting older, I was dreading it, because ever since I turned 23, something happened on my birthday, something changes in me every year. I see things differently, feel it more intensely and i’m beginning to know what I want, which is a huge thing, because I never know what I want. I know I mature as I get older, I know I get older, but what I can’t explain is that it happens anyway. Without me growing, or learning new things, even when my life is on a standstill, I still go through this change, alone.
It scares me not because i’m scared, not for myself, it scares me that what I have right now, is not what I want. I am not an unfair person or unjust, I’ve been screaming my lungs out, begging and pleading to be unboxed, to be heard. i’m scared of being stuck in a place where I will die inside and look barely alive on the outside, caged in a place where I have no more choice left and I wonder which way now, as I am standing on the edge, I know what comes next, but I cannot show it to anyone and I don’t know the consequences of what choice can do or will do. I’m still on the edge, waiting, getting tired, making a fool of myself, but still waiting. For what? For what I have to again become what I want.
Is this the final curtain call? Did I give up smoking, to give up on this life I have built? Just as the smokes was toxic, so is this life I am living, just so it affects everyone around me. Will this be my final birthday of being unsure, being content with fading away? I always know what comes next, except now. I don’t know which way to go, but I think I know what I want, i’m almost sure. I’m just not sure whether I am ready for what I want. The final piece of me. It’s always the hardest, it hurts the most, but also, it’s always worth it.