Holding my breath: The affair

I have stopped counting how long it has been since…however I did dream about it on Monday night, just as it was the last few seconds of the dream, so I inhaled the last of the smoke…and then a light went out in my dream and I woke.

I don’t think about it as much, although I do crave a smoke sometimes. The comfort of the smoke squeezing my nerves, when panic gets hold of me I feel lost sometimes, because I don’t know where to turn to. The chemical kiss on my lips, the smoky perfume left on my fingertips, it was a bonded and toxic affair. I have no idea when it ended and I have no idea how long it has been, but I feel as though I have not given up yet, as though I am hoping to start the relationship again.

I am focusing on other more important stuff more, i’m still a bit low on energy but my mind is not so clouded anymore. Some things get done and some things don’t, but at least i’m moving. what’s more is that some of my memory is returning. I am realizing things I last did when I was a child, dreams I had when I was a child and the plans I made when I was a teenager seems realistic.

I feel alone, abandoned, without my plus one, without my nicotine lover, so lifeless but so full of life. We were a team or we seemed like a team, because I was the one being conned, robbed of life, energy and nutrition. But don’t we always love things that are bad for you? Is that not always the best love? But I was sinking into a dark place, into a place of darkness, I felt pieces of my soul slip away, I was giving it away. I did not want to, but I felt I had to, I just didn’t care, as long as I can smoke forever, why? Because too much was never enough for me…

Well i’m back to listening Justin Vernon/Bon Iver songs compulsively, it keeps me dreaming, it reminds me of what I want, what I always wanted and more importantly, why I am here. so as I am waiting for my divorce to be finalised, I suppose i’m allowed to reminisce about the smoke filled memories, but I left, I called it quits, because I was not growing, I was dying . And the bottom line: Your kisses taste like damage…Placeholder Image


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