I’m back to being stressed again, irritated almost, well, i’m fully irritated. What I want is not what I want… or need. I don’t feel the need to smoke, nor do I have a craving, it grosses me out now, the thought. But I know something is missing, something massive. I suppose I don’t know what to do when i’m aggravated anymore.
I do miss it, the relationship, the closeness, the commitment. I thought I would never stop smoking, not because I was dependant or addicted to it, but because I made a commitment and planned on being committed until the end. But not everything works out, not everything is meant to be and can last forever. It was my alone time, a silent affair and in those silences my mind was liberated, if only for a minute. My body belonged to it and every smoky breath was his, because he was made of it. With a light he would come alive, if only for a minute, but that’s okay, because he’ll be there again, he always will.
Ending a committed affair so rapidly cannot be good. I suppose that is why i’m so stressed and aggravated, i’m alone. Not outside of me, but inside of me i’m alone. It’s twisted, because when I was smoking I wanted to be alone(because of the smoke obviously), now that I don’t, I am alone. I know the road is still long ahead and I know or I realize the worst is still to come and honestly, I don’t feel like going through it. I’m not ready. I almost feel guilty, for not smoking and for being a quitter. I know it’s bullshit, but I guess i’m made that way.
I am going through a change, a huge one, that I cannot deny. But this is bigger than just smoking, this goes deeper than a force of habit. It was a distraction, a massive distraction. And I fell for it, well almost, but it played for time, time i’ll never get back. this I s about life, my life. Mainly the robbery of my life, as it goes with all affairs, it almost ruined me, but I woke up in time. Will power is all I need now, I have to be strong I don’t have a choice.
I know my smoke relationship is bad for, I wakefully know it. All I have to do is get safely to a place where I can wake up in the morning and want to live, that is where I win, that is what this is all about.