Holding my breath

I’m thinking of relapsing. I woke up with the strangest urge to smoke, I suppose I don’t need to ask why. So much is going on in my life, but nothing is. Meaning, from the outside my life looks pretty boring and nothing ever happens. Being on the inside though…It’s total chaos. No one has to know what is going on in my life, I prefer it that way, but do not assume everything is fine, that I have a good life and this is how I want to die one day.

If you know me or maybe read some of my stuff, you would know loyalty is very important to me, well I’m surrounded with people that are really NOT loyal to me, I don’t even know why I’m here. I am wasting my time, my youth on inconsiderate people. And no that’s not the reason I want to smoke, it is part of it, but the reason is that I don’t need a reason, I do need a smoke though.

I think the stress is getting to me. Something is about to happen, I don’t know what, but something is coming and it won’t be nice. I don’t have the energy to get hurt again, I seriously don’t. If I do, someone is going to get hurt, something will be cut off. I will not lie down and be the good person and allow myself to be humiliated next time. Because wasting my time cannot go unpunished any longer.

Yes! I need a smoke right now, but the reason I will not do it is, I have come too bloddy far to break myself down again. And of course I want to see how far this thing goes. But on a serious note, when I make a commitment I stick by it, no matter what.Placeholder Image

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